


Craig Gets Cheesed

by Cosmicpanda13



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - High School, Car sex (sorta?), Cheesing, Crack Treated Seriously, Craig is very confused, Dicks Literally Everywhere, Does Craig Tucker is gay?, Don’t do drugs kids, Drug Use, Episode: s12e03 Major Boobage, Everything is dicks, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Metal (1981) Parody, Humorous smut, M/M, Oral Sex, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-25 20:41:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmicpanda13/pseuds/Cosmicpanda13
Summary: Craig takes a ride.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 9
Kudos: 10





	Craig Gets Cheesed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [supercalicreative](https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercalicreative/gifts).



> Uhhhh, so I have no excuse for this.  
> This dumb idea came to me when me and supercalicreative watched the Major Boobage ep and the Heavy Metal movie on discord one night. I told her the idea and she told me to write it, so here it is. Many aspects and references come directly from the 1981 movie with a little bit of my own creative flair sprinkled in. (I even did actual drug research for this...) 
> 
> I also want to shout out metrophobic’s fic which also somewhat inspired this mess.  
> (if you haven’t read it yet please do! It’s pretty hilarious)
> 
> Metro, if YOU end up reading this, I’m so sorry.
> 
> Well, I guess I’m just sorry in general...

“Did you bring the g-guh-goods?”

Clyde was practically vibrating with excitement, his legs bouncing restlessly from his seated position on Jimmy Valmer’s basement floor. He’s been waiting all week for this moment. The boys agreed earlier that week that Jimmy’s house would be the designated spot for their delinquency. It would be perfect because Jimmy’s parents happened to be away that weekend for their anniversary and wouldn’t be back till late Sunday afternoon.

The only problem is that the Valmers do not own a cat.

Cue the entrance of everyone’s favorite parka-clad misfit.

“Of course. Got our fix right here,” the blond says with a smirk, revealing a large ziplock bag from the inside pocket of his parka. He saunters down the staircase, the bag in his pinched grasp swinging side to side with each step-down.  
The closer the blond gets to the semicircle of teenage boys, the faster Clyde bounces his legs. The leg bouncing finally gets to the dark-haired boy sitting next to him boredly browsing Tumblr on his phone. He puts his phone down with an aggravated huff. “Dude, knock it off.”

“Sorry, I’m just- God you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this bro. My dad won’t let me anywhere near a cat since the last time I got caught with one,” the brunette says, his gaze glued on the bag in his blond classmate’s hand.

“I don’t even get what the big deal is,” Craig says, eyebrows pinched together in annoyance.

“Heh, that’s only cause you haven’t met _her_ yet,” Clyde says, nudging his unimpressed friend with his elbow. “Once you meet _her_ , you’ll get it,” Clyde determines. “You’ll totally get it,” he sighs, a dopey smile painted on his face.

Kenny makes his way down the stairs and approaches the round table in front of the boys.

_Meeerrrooowwll_

Kenny lifts the gray cat up by the scruff of its neck and tosses the now empty bag to the side. He carefully places the cat in the hanging harness apparatus on the table and locks it in place to prevent movement. He then lifts the feline’s tail up and fastens it to the top bar with some string.

“So, who wants to go first?”

“Well as gee, I think Craig should go first, cause this is his first time doin it and all,” Butters offers, anxiously tapping his knuckles together. There seemed to be a unanimous agreement amongst the boys that their stoic friend should be the first one to experience the absolute titastic heaven that is the world of Nippopolis.

“Oh goody. I get to be the first one here sprayed in the face with cat pee? Wow, what an honor.”

“Dude I promise it’s worth it,” the brunette whines, trying to get his friend at least a little bit excited for his high despite the highly unconventional method presented in front of him.

“Come on. Do it for the titssssss.”

With a long sigh, Craig lowers himself to his knees as he was instructed, his face now level with the gray cat’s backside.

“Okay, I am now staring at a cat’s asshole,” he states bluntly.

“That’s not the only thing you’re gonna be staring at in a couple of minutes,” the perverted blonde chuckles, knowing exactly what the dark-haired boy is about to experience.

Craig wonders if this is the lowest he’s ever been in his life, sitting here on his knees in one of his close friend’s basements, an unspayed cat’s arse inches from his nose, people he has known practically his whole life surrounding him and cheering him on for the vile act he has consented to.

“Ready dude?” Clyde asks with a pat on his back.

“I guess.”

“E-excellent,” Jimmy says, placing his laptop in front of the poor dangling feline. A YouTube video of an angry male cat is cued to play at the press of the spacebar.

With a thumbs up from both Clyde and Kenny, Jimmy nods and presses the spacebar, triggering the video to begin playing. At the sound of hisses and growls, Craig’s eyes squeeze shut, fully anticipating what is about to happen next. The cat responds promptly to the video as planned hissing and clawing at the screen, its fur standing straight up on its back as a warning to back off. Just as Craig starts relaxing his tense shoulders, he is sprayed in the face with a foul-smelling liquid causing him to flinch and cough.

The putrid smell of ammonia burns his nose and causes the eyes to blur with tears. His vision begins to go fuzzy as his classmate’s excited voices fizzle and fade into nothingness. The last thing he sees before he blacks out completely is the big dumb grin on his best friend’s face.

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
Craig always wondered how it would feel to float effortlessly in the vast openness of space.

To escape the bonds of gravity.

To have nothing anchoring his feet to the Earth.

He figures this is the closest he’ll ever get to the feeling.

The weightlessness,

it’s _euphoric_.

He doesn’t want to move, afraid that a single minute twitch of his body will disrupt this impossible moment. His brain feels too fuzzy to articulate any semblance of thought, concentrated solely on blood rushing through his body and his slow, steady breathing. A faint buzzing is all he can hear, slowly growing louder and louder. The noise sends a distinct feeling of vibration all throughout his body, feeling as though his very cells are vibrating. A supernova of geometric fractals swirl and twist behind his closed eyelids.

If it wasn’t for the hard object that bumped his arm, he would have sworn this is what dying feels like.

His eyes finally blink open. The haze clears from his vision, and the world around him becomes sharp and clear. A never-ending canvas of stars and galaxies stretches before him in all directions. A large purple-looking planet appears to be directly below him. Movements slow and sluggish, he looks for the offending object that bumped his arm.

It’s a space helmet.

Now normally, Craig would question how in the hell he would be breathing in space without a space helmet on, but logic and reason don’t really apply to him in this state. Instead, all his mind thinks is,

_Oh hey, that’s a pretty dope-ass space helmet._

and he places it on his head.

With his mind clear enough to make that coherent thought, the high-frequency buzzing fades to a dull hum, and his normal hearing begins to return.

Just in time for him to realize there’s a massive space shuttle hovering above his head.

He stares transfixed as the shuttle’s bay doors begin to open. A blinding white light emits from the opening, illuminating the silhouette of a large rectangular object from behind. The mechanical arms within the spacecraft lower the object and then release it all at once.

Craig watches as a black 1960 Chevrolet Corvette glides down from above. As the Corvette gets closer, he notices that its sleek, immaculate design is wrapped in a holographic chrome vinyl. The light that bounces off its surface takes on a rainbow, prismatic effect, dispersing off into mirror-like facets.

It takes him less than 0.3 seconds to realize that he really wants to drive this flamboyant-ass car.

The car’s top is open, making it easy for Craig to grab the side of the door and pull himself into the driver seat. As he sinks his body into the jet-black leather seat, he looks down for the seatbelt and realizes that his newly acquired space helmet has been accompanied by an entire spacesuit. Thinking nothing of this, he shrugs, clicks the seatbelt in place, and grips the steering wheel.

He stares forward as if in a trance, not once looking down as he reaches his other hand toward the gearshift attached to the middle console. He moves his hand until his fingertips lightly brush the smooth surface of the shift knob. Even through his thick gloves, he can still feel the car’s steady, rumbling vibrations as he takes the knob firmly in his hand. It doesn’t feel like any gearshift he’s used before. It’s weirdly soft and malleable but still hard enough to wrap his long fingers around and get a good grip on. He presses the clutch in all the way with his foot and moves the shifter into first gear. His hand unconsciously slides up and down the hard metal shaft in slow strokes, eyes watching as the RPMs rise with each stroke and rev of the engine. He lifts off the clutch and presses down on the accelerator. The car rockets toward the planet below him, foot not letting off the accelerator as his heart rate speeds up.

He shifts into second gear.

The purple planet that once seemed impossibly far away is coming closer and closer into view. He can feel the heat coming from the front of the car, but he pays it no mind, his focus zoned in on the swirling clouds in the planet's atmosphere.

He shifts into third gear.

His breathing picks up, as his strokes become faster the closer he gets to the planet. The heat slowly becomes more intense as it travels up the hood of the car.

He shifts into fourth gear.

The heat on his windshield is sweltering now. He doesn’t even get a moment to process the possible danger before the front of the car is consumed with flames due to the speed at which he breached the planet’s atmosphere. The flames lick at the top of his helmet and blacken his windshield with soot and ash. He flips on the windshield wipers out of habit, effectively wiping away the soot and ash, and watches as numerous tall, mountainous protrusions become visual through the flames. The clouds part like a stage curtain revealing what looks to be a futuristic city of some sort. A grand wall borders the city, the buildings inside appearing tall and narrow with bulbous tops.

As he quickly approaches the city, he realizes something.

He’s coming in waaaaaayyyy too hot.

At the speed he’s going, he’s gonna crash into the planet like a meteor that would make the one that wiped out all the dinosaurs look like a sneeze.

Somehow, as if his brain was on autopilot, he knew that the metal handle that was sticking out of the car's center console would be his saving grace. With his fingers wrapped firmly around the handle, he pushes it in then yanks it hard. The car is at first propelled downwards. Its wheels hit the ground, disturbing the dirt and causing a large plume of purple dust to fly up in the air. Before Craig can react, the car is then jolted backward as a large rainbow-patterned parachute launches out of its backside and makes it come to a complete stop.

Although he’s slightly disoriented from the rough landing, Craig’s hand confidently makes its way back to fisting the gearshift. He presses the accelerator, and the Corvette shoots forward towards the city.

As the city appears over the horizon, Craig notices a couple of things.

First of all, there seems to be a lot of rubble and destruction splayed around the entrance, almost as if someone or something broke in. He can see scorch marks on some of the buildings like they’d been forcibly burned.

Secondly, these buildings look… familiar. _Very familiar._

That’s when it hits him.

_Holy shit it’s dicks._

It’s not a facade brought on by his dirty, teenage-age mind either. He recalls numerous hangout sessions with Clyde where they would purposely set out to find phallic-looking objects and giggle like immature schoolgirls when they did so.

But this is almost like… like they were intentionally made to look like dicks. There are even veins running up the sides of some of them for fucks sake.

He grips the gearshift tighter, a stirring sensation happening from within the pants of his spacesuit.

As if he’s been physically smacked in the face, his rational state of mind kicks back in and the haze clears from his eyes.

_No._

_No way._

No way did he just get turned on by a fucking _building_.

His eyes travel down in horror at the gloved hand wrapped firmly around the gearshi-

No.

No that’s a dick too.

He halts his unconscious stroking of the gearshift’s shaft and yanks his hand away.

_What the fuck is going on???_

His minor mental breakdown is interrupted by a muffled yell coming from his right. His head jerks in the direction of the yell, and he sees quite an alarming sight. Two bulky, brutish forms stand over a human figure strapped to a propped-up metal table. They taunt and tease the figure with long bullwhips, voices booming with obnoxious laughter. Their large mighty whips crack at the air, causing the figure to moan and scream out in pain. From where Craig is seated, he can’t make out much about the mystery person on the table other than the fact that they are in trouble and need assistance.

Is this the “hot babe with awesome rocking tits” (Clyde's words not his) that he was told he would encounter?

He can see that these brutes are not what one would consider human. They look human, sure. Proportions are correct, they have only four limbs, no weird protrusions or growths, but their skin is colored a striking, sickly green. Both are wearing helmets, one with two horn-like spikes jutting out of the side and the other with one broken horn. Bulbous pauldrons adorn their muscular shoulders.

Oh, and their dicks are completely out and flopping all over the place. No loincloths to be seen.

Craig is sensing a theme here...

Not sure what possesses him to do so, given his expressed disdain from earlier, Craig spins the wheel of the car in the direction of the captive figure. The car jerks to the side, drifting across the coarse dirt and rights itself on the new set path. With the two oblivious brutes locked in his sight, he shifts gears and slams his foot down on the accelerator. The wheels squeal in protest as the car speeds directly towards the two hulking figures. Craig’s reckless actions are rewarded with several sickening crunches as the car collides with its target. Blood splatters the front of his windshield like a Pollock painting, effectively ruining the once pristine chrome wrap on the corvette. His body lurches forward with the force of the collision, and the car comes to a sudden stop on top of one of the dead bodies.

Gathering his senses, and being glad that he happened to be wearing a protective helmet at this moment, Craig gets out of the wrecked car and approaches the bound figure. Whoever they are can’t see him approaching because of the blindfold covering their eyes. So far, the only aspect about this character that matches his friend's description is the cowboy hat adorned on their head and the fact that they are blond. Other than that, it’s completely inaccurate. This is definitely not the big-breasted woman that he expected. In fact, this character doesn’t even have breasts at all.

Cause it’s a man and a very well-built man at that.

Not that Craig would actually admit that aloud or anything.

He is dressed completely in skin-tight leather, not leaving anything to the imagination besides a ‘boob window,’ showing a modest sneak peek of his sculpted pecs. The leather travels all the way up to his nose, a zipper covering his mouth. Craig’s eyes can’t help but be drawn to the man's crotch area. He’s wearing tight, leather chaps that flare out at the bottom. The crotch and ass of the pants are nonexistent. Instead, in its place is a blue leather thong, the fabric straining around the man's obvious arousal.

Craig swallows, his throat suddenly feeling very dry. He thinks about just straight up walking away so he doesn’t have to deal with this problem anymore. It’s what he’d usually do in his right mind, but he takes one look at the sad, destroyed state of his convertible and realizes that that’s not an option. He can’t just leave the poor guy like this, no matter how weird this experience is making him feel inside.

He gets closer to the table and attempts to undo the straps holding the man in place. The man jolts, most likely thinking that his tormentors have returned, but then relaxes when Craig undoes the bonds completely. They fall to the ground with a thump. The figure sits up and removes his blindfold.

_Woah he’s tall._

Craig is already somewhat of a giant thanks to his dad's generous genetics, standing at about 6’3. He’s been looking down to talk to people since middle school when he had his first absurd growth spurt, and there are very few people who have lived up to his height. To him, the fact that he actually has to look up to speak to this mystery leatherman is quite the accomplishment.

The one good thing about knowing someone like Kenny McCormick since 3rd grade is that you learn how to decipher muffled speech pretty damn well. So the mask blocking the man’s mouth doesn’t make it hard for Craig to understand him at all.

“You saved me. I have no reward to give you, but if any part of me pleases your senses, I would give it to you. Willingly~”

Craig just stands there, mouth gaping like a fish out of water. His breath fogs up his helmet as it becomes unbearably hot inside his spacesuit. As if the man can sense his issue with his space helmet, he asks him to remove it. For some reason, Craig can’t say no to this man. Even though his mind is screaming at him to walk away, to forget his feelings, to pretend none of this happened, his feet stay firmly rooted in place. His mind’s desperate pleas go unheard as Craig removes the helmet.

“Oh,” the man says in slight confusion. “You’re not who I was expecting,” the man smirks, a curious interest sparking in his eyes.

Craig doesn’t even have time to ponder what he means by that statement before the persistent man asks another question. “What are you called? Surely my savior must have a fitting name to match?” The man leans closer, the tips of the dangling fringe tassels lightly grazing against Craig’s suit.

“Uhhhh…” Craig’s words falter, his mind short-circuiting like an electrical outlet splashed with water. “It’s Craig.” He looks down at the spacesuit adorning his form. “Spaceman Craig.”

“Mmmm well, Spaceman Craig, a mighty, strong hero like yourself is surely deserving of a reward no?” The man says, delicately brushing his fingers across Craig’s heaving chest. With Craig showing no signs of rejection at his actions, his hand migrates lower, stopping just above Craig’s waistline.

“Perhaps a blowjob would suffice?” The man offers, peering into Craig’s eyes with lust.

Craig’s entire body goes stiff. Is this random stranger in a gimp costume that he just met really offering him a blowjob right now?

Is it bad that he’s not opposed to the idea?

He can admit that this man is attractive, very attractive, but he’s never felt like this about anyone before, much less another dude. While his friends were busy flipping through stolen porno magazines with big-titted women on motorcycles, he was busy not giving a fuck. It never phased him. His friends would show him the raunchy pictures of naked women, and he would give in and play along, usually agreeing and echoing what his friends had to say. Not once has he been actually aroused by it, but now-

Craig’s thoughts are cut off by the man toying with the zipper of his spacesuit. His eyes ask for consent as they gaze at him through thick eyelashes.

Welp, that pretty much does it for Craig.

_Fuck it._

“O-kay,” Craig chokes out, his voice cracking into a whisper. The zipper begins to slowly make its trek down Craig’s body. He can feel the trapped heat escape as the suit opens and becomes looser. With the spacesuit unzipped, the man presses closer, his crotch gently rubbing against Craig’s with small gyrations of his hips.

Craig’s breathing becomes erratic as the man locks eyes with him, unzips the zipper on his mask, and squats down until he’s eye-level with his crotch. Without breaking eye contact, he swiftly pops open the button on Craig’s jeans and pulls down the zipper. Craig swallows, overcome with intense arousal. With his erection freed from its jeaned prison, the experienced man dips down and presses his newly-freed mouth to it, licking and sucking at it through the fabric of his dorky, constellation-patterned boxers. Craig moans aloud at his actions and places his hands on top of the man’s cowboy hat for balance. A hand travels up Craig’s thigh until it finds the waistband of Craig’s boxers. He hooks his fingers under the elastic band and begins to pull dow-

“-raig! Craig!”

Craig’s eyes flash open to see his friends staring down at him with worried looks on their faces. His eyes dart from side to side trying to take in the room and regain his senses from the incredible high he just experienced.

“Sorry to take you out so soon Craigy boy, but I as well as everyone else here in Jimmy’s basement would rather not see your Tucker manhood this fine evening,” Kenny says, hands placed on Craig’s shoulders with a loose grip.

Confused, Craig realizes that both his jacket and his pants are unbuttoned with his black jeans pulled down halfway to his thighs. Craig’s gaze travels to his hand gripped firmly around the waistband of his boxers. He realizes in horror that he was about to unconsciously undress in front of his friends.

“So dude how was it? Did you save the girl from the mutant barbarians?”

“Did you get to see her t-t-tied up?”

“Did you wash her awesome, rockin tits with soapy water in the fountain of Varnoth?”

Craig stares wordlessly at his friends, his disoriented mind unable to form any type of answer to their questions.

All he knows is he’s aroused, _very aroused_ , and he doesn’t understand why.

His friends' excited gazes feel like they are burning him now, heart hammering in his chest. He thinks he should lie about what he experienced, but he can’t get the words out.

So he just leaves.

He shoves Kenny’s hands off of his shoulders, pulls up his pants, and runs out of Jimmy’s basement without another word. The boys are left standing in shock trying to process what just happened.

“Damn. Must’ve been a g-go-goo-guh-g-fantastic high for him to act like that,”

“Yeah guess he had to go ‘take care of business if you know what I mean,” Clyde laughs cockily, winking and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“Okay, who wants to go next?”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Craig did in fact jerk off that car.
> 
> (I can’t believe THIS is what I decided to post as my first ever fanfic...)
> 
> Ps: If you caught the Drawfee character reference, I love you <3


End file.
